Houston, or rather flisters, we have a problem.

I. Am. OBSESSED. With. Hollyoaks. As The World Turns' Nuke has been kicked out the door (I love them still, but right now I'm just not interested) and I've reverted back to my HO craze, catching up on all the episodes I missed first time around last year with John-Paul, Craig and Kieron and I've been writing drabbles and fanfiction based on McDean.

I don't know... I've never seen myself as a crazed fangirl. I think I was when I was younger but now... I can't quite take the hype. I can only handle it in small doses. But today I think I scared myself; I wrote several drabbles and went looking for the 2007/2008 episodes online. I think I need a bit of variety in my day; I've become addicted to the show. And I know, judging by the amount of time my friends at Uni spent in their rooms watching DVDs, that I'm not alone.

But really, I think I need a bit of space from the fandom, but it's so hard because now I've been going onto Youtube for a daily fix. Kieron's character in particular worried me; I mean, the guy's a priest who gave up his role in the church and that interfered with my OCD a bit, I think. But hey, it's just a soap-opera.

I really need to get myself back together. I've been staying up late, getting up late and then spending the day surfing the net and yes, you guessed it, watching HO clips. I think there's better things I could be doing with my day:

*Walking across the fields. I need to get more air and maybe it'll get my original creativity again.
*Learn to knit. I asked for wool and knitting needles for my birthday and I got them but I haven't used them yet.
*Read more. Got a big bookpile; needs shifting.
*Go to the gym. I went today and brought a Milky Way bar immediately afterwards.
*Work on my original stories.
*Ring my friends. I hardly ever talk to my mates on the phone because we socialise through Facebook, mostly. Be nice to hear their voices and get in touch with what's going on in reality because sometimes I think I isolate myself a bit too much.

I know I'm still a teenager and my hormones are allowed to go wild at this point in my life. It just feels a little strange to me sometimes. I'm the kind of girl who tends to like the characters compared to the actual actors; I know how weird that sounds because it's the actors who make the characters and I know the difference obviously. So I know I'm not going to go online and cruise for random pictures of the actors. I just like watching their characters in action on Youtube.

The other thing that worries me is that because I've often liked having my own space, this is tied in with that. I sometimes feel like I'm cutting myself off from my friends; I love them dearly, but I like my own space, I like living in my own world. I just can't stop daydreaming, I can't switch off. My mind always has to be thinking about something or other.

Aaargh, 'tis a crazy world inside this here mind...

So here's what I'm doing.

I'm sitting on a couch in a house that is not mine watching a dog that is not mine look out the front window.

I'm covering for a lady at work from yesterday until the 26th of this month. I'm also house-sitting for her and watching her dog. I'm working 140 hours, 28 or so of that is over-time (woot, woot). Basically I get up at 8 AM every day and work either an 8 hour or 12 hour shift. I only have two days off during the whole three weeks.

Yeah.

Crazy.

I know.

It wouldn't be so bad if Jacob could come stay up here with me a couple of days here and there. He can't though because he's in Pennsylvania until the 26th. We'll get home the same day but then he'll immediately leave to go work his other job for a week out of town.

I'm only on my second day of this whole fiasco and I feel a little weird. I get up at like 6:50 AM and get into a cute receptionist outfit and then go play secretary all day. I get off, come home and let the dog out, feed her her dinner. Cook myself something and then go work-out/tan. Then I come home and read for a bit and then go to bed.

I'm reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer (someone gave it to me, I did not purchase it). I'm about 160 pages into it and it's kind of got my attention. It reminds me of Uglies. Post-Apocalyptic world with some great trek to salvation. I have no idea where the book is headed, I'm only in the first part of it. But it's not bad. I wanted to hate it.

I got an email today from the director of English Honors Program at my school. He said I've been accepted into the program. It's 18 hours of honors classes including a thesis. I'm only going to do it if they give me a scholarship also. If they don't give me money, I'm not adding all of those classes just to go to school for an extra semester and have to pay for it myself.

It's cool to be in the honors program though.

Moving on...in case anyone was wondering...I've had four of those things that I used to not be able to have. I broke through some kind of barrier and that part of my life is finally complete. I wish I had some secret answer to why I'm finally able to after 21 years of not being able to. I think that it had a lot to do with my negative body image. Only recently, after 40 lbs of weight loss, have I started to like my body.

I weighed 151.8 this morning, btw. I'm only 8 lbs away from the goal I set for December. I can't believe that. I really can't.

Wow, I've actually typed out an entry. No pictures of Jacob or dresses.

I signed up for Prob and Stats today. I've been putting my math off for my entire college career until now. I told Jacob I'm only taking it this semester because I know I'll have him to whine to.

I brought Queer as Folk season one with me when I came up here. I don't know why I grabbed it. I might watch it some. It's so hard to watch that show now and I don't know why.

Previously the throne was held by Luke/Noah from As The World Turns but now it's Craig/John-Paul (otherwise known as McDean) from Hollyoaks. Ironically, although I'm a huge fan of them now, for some reason I just wasn't at the time; I had them there and they were good to watch but I had trouble keeping track of them over the summer (plus I was distracted by Harry Potter 7) and OCD was messing me about. So only now have I come to appreciate their supercouple status. In any case, they've sparked off a lot of fanfiction - and here's a quick drabble I wrote while I was away:

Title: Rest
Rating: PG

( Two days after Craig got back from Scotland... )

So Uglies has finally been optioned to be made into a film. This simultaneously breaks my heart and excites me to no end. After seeing what happened with Twilight after it got made into a film, I'm terribly afraid the same thing is going to happen to my beloved Uglies series.

The fact is, Scott Westerfeld is genius. I've never really been able to get into his other books but he rocked it when he wrote the Uglies series. Even Extras, with a completely different protagonist and some weird monkey alien race of people, was enjoyable.

Uglies as a film could be utterly amazing. But I swear.

If Uglies turns into the phenomenon that Twilight has and every stupid tween in the world goes crazy over it, I will curl up into a fetal position and just die.

What's worse is imagining the merchandise and the utter raping of the film that retail stores from Wal*Mart to Hot Topic have already done to Twilight.

Turn the Libba Bray series into a movie. I can handle that. Team Kartik.

Oh I can already see the Team David vs. Team Zane.

*HEADDESK*

P.S. That great thing that I had this week? The one I posted about? Well I had three this week. THREE. SOMEONE GIVE ME A HIGH-FIVE.

I'm so tired.

I don't get why I can't just have some time out for me. I just want to have a few days in my own company with my laptop in hand and just write. I feel that at home, I'm not getting any space; I'm actually feeling really stressed out because I've had to sort out my student finance for next year, I've had to ring my landlady, I've had problems with my phone and last night I had some friends over. While I enjoyed the night, I was quite tired this morning because some of them stayed over and I slept in a sleeping bag on the living-room floor.

Now, I just want to have some time for myself but I can't; I'm supposed to be going out tonight clubbing with my friends to celebrate two birthdays but I'm really not in the mood. Thing is, I can't really pull out because I'm letting one pal stay over at mine again tonight. My parents have been flapping all over the place because they're worried I might get bored at the club and they're concerned about who's going to pick me up and I just wish they would stop making such a fuss.

I love my friends, but I saw them on Thursday, yesterday and now I'm seeing them again tonight and I do like having time to myself. I also wish my family would give me more space. I'm hoping to move into my new accomodation this coming week so I might ask Mum and Dad if they can leave me alone for the night and I'll come back in the morning on the train. I just feel like I want to disappear into a private place where I can just write.